Brad is in Heaven now

As hard as it was to write about Brad's cancer, this is obviously worse. There were so many times during this month that seemed surreal, as if I was in a nightmare, or just going through the motions, feeling plain numb. This is hard for me to fathom, just as it is for you.
When Brad was diagnosed, we knew we didn't have long--but we expected to have a few more months--with Brad getting stronger with treatments (or at least maintaining). We didn't expect to lose him so soon.
After I wrote Monday evening, things seemed to be looking up. Brad had a good night's sleep and woke up feeling better. Emotionally, he was at the highest point for weeks, feeling hopeful and encouraged. I got breakfast for the girls and was helping Brad get ready for his radiation treatment. Brad called out that he was feeling "shocky" and wanted help to get back to bed. His cousin Patrick and I did that and he just fell back in bed. I got on the floor to remove his slippers and asked him to pick up his feet. When he didn't respond, I looked up and knew that he had just, that instant, gone home to be with the Lord. That was about 10am, November 20. I called 911 and told the girls he was dying; we followed him to the ER.
His doctor believes that Brad died from a clot (either to his heart, brain stem or a pulmonary embolism--does it really matter?). When the nurses saw his foot Monday, they called the doctor and then told Brad he'd discuss it with us Wednesday. Brad's blood was getting thick again and clotting. But he told me that Brad had the maximum amount of clot busting drugs in his system, any more and he'd bleed to death. So he couldn't give him more.
At the hospital, we were able to take the time to say goodbye.

Does anyone ever know what to say? No. It was hard for the girls to see him that way, but it was helpful, especially for Colleen. She finally broke down and put her hand in his, rubbing his hand and crying for an hour. I am grateful that she finally let some emotion out. I've been so concerned about the protective wall she was building around herself . We stayed until she was ready to leave. Then Kerry asked for some additional time with just her dadddy and me. It broke my heart to see her put herself over Brad, cry and say "bye, bye daddy. I love you so much." I grieve for myself, but I grieve for my girls' loss much more. We got home early afternoon and then waited for my parents, already en route for thanksgiving. My parents have grown to love Brad as a son, and it's hard for them (my brother, Mike, died of brain cancer a week before Thanksgiving 7 years ago).
One thing that Brad wanted to do was to write a letter to the girls, and to tape himself (he was planning on doing that on Tuesday). If you've ever thought of doing that...PLEASE don't put it off. We weren't expecting him to be gone before he could do that.

I'm sorry for not making more phone calls...this is a little overwhelming for me. I have found myself just wandering today, not quite knowing what to do with myself or staring off into space; thinking of happy memories, things not done, regrets, etc. (that is one wandering sentence) It's the little things that get to me, like wanting to ask Brad how to charge the battery in his camera, and just where IS the charger? Or when Kerry starts to cry and says "it'll never be the same again" or when she expresses a little anger because Brad won't get to see Colleen turn eight (her birthday is next week--I guess Kerry is feeling a little protective).

There is one particular thing that I'm very thankful for. Brad was never in any pain! His doctors kept asking and were puzzled. They offered several times to give him pain medication. Pancreas cancer is very painful and it seems that when Brad had his spinal cord surgery 8 years ago, the pain receptors to that area were severed. A strange blessing from that time.

The last few weeks, Brad was feeling really convicted about his relationship with God and that he didn't really share much about it. Brad was a fairly private person, but he knew that his sins were forgiven because of Christ and wished he had shared more about it. He shared with me a few days ago that not doing so is his biggest regret. He wanted to "finish strong"

Many (probably all of you), loved Brad and have many happy memories. I am trying to get pictures together and am reminded of that.
We love him and will miss him so much. Please pray for the girls to be comforted and for me to have the wisdom to know what to do and to say to them. Please pray for my stress level and that we would be strengthened and protected.
I value you so much, even if I seem impersonal at this moment. I know that prayer for me and the girls is the most valuable thing I could have done for us.
Love,
Patti and Kerry and Colleen